The Bungle in the Jungle - Part II: FAQ's

So day two of my trip to Malawi picks up where day one left off (I’ll give you a minute to ponder the redundancy of that statement). I realize that most of the readers are not familiar with the geography of Mozambique, or travel here, so I hope to enlighten you with a section I call Malawi FAQ’s.

How do you get from Nampula to Cuamba?

Great question! What you do is you take a train that lasts anywhere between 10-16 hours and covers all of 250miles. Hopefully can find a seat and don’t get baked to death in the process.

How much does the train cost?

$5 USD. Yep. Its great.

What do you do when you get to Cuamba?

If you’re able to you can stay with Victor’s sister And if you are fortunate, his other sister Carmina, who you already know and lives here in Nampula, will be visiting the same time as you, so you won’t feel totally out of place.

Where do you go after Cuamba?

You wake up at 3:30 in the morning so you can start wandering around the town aimlessly. After about 20 minutes of wandering you find a chopa (minibus) that transits the 140miles back and forth between Cuamba and Mandimba. The reason you have to wander around so early is because you need to be the first person in the chopa so that you can sit crammed in the front seat instead of super-crammed in the back seats. The chopa regularly hold more people than a clown-car at the zoo (20).

After you’ve made it into the chopa successfully, be sure to ask the driver to cruise around town for the two hours picking up passengers until the car is full, and then hit the road. If he has a Shania Twain greatest hits CD, ask him to play it extra loud so everybody knows you are cool because you listen to music from America. If you get lucky and you driver is crazy enough, the trip should last about 2.5 hours averaging 60mph drifting around dirt roads in a van that looks like it got rejected from a dealership in Kiev (Vybachte to all my friends in the Ukraine).

How much does it cost?

$4USD. Again, Its great.

What do you do when you get to Mandimba?

The chopa will drop you off in the section of town known as Little Malawi which, as small as Mandimba is, should be known as Freakin Little Malawi. Try not to get mobbed as you get off the bus. The locals know you have money and will try to exploit you. Duck into a diner or local establishment quickly. Once in there, relax. You’ve just been sitting in a car for the last 5 hours (2.5 in Cuamba, 2.5 in the middle of nowhere), and you really need to use rest for a few minutes. Find somebody to go and negotiate an exchange rate for you. When they agree to the price its great to see their face light up when they realize they’re doing business with a macunya and they could’ve hit the jackpot. After you’ve exchanged your money into kwacha (which has an exchange rate second only to Zimbabwe before Zimbabwe decide the USD was going to be its official currency) have your negotiator go out and procure transport to Malawi. Again, watch the guys jaw drop when he realizes he missed an opportunity to hustle a foreigner AND he has to transport the only person in Mozambique taller 5’9”.

Why would his jaw drop because you’re so big?

Because the method of transportation from Mandimba to Malawi is 30 minutes on the back of a bicycle. No, not a bicycle rickshaw. It’s actually on the back of his bicycle. Cost: $1.10 USD.

What should you do when you arrive at the border?

Talk to the bitter old guard who is at the border outpost and get him to process your papers and pay the $2 tax to leave the country.

What does Malawi look like?

I don’t know. This is as far as they would let me go.

Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion of The Bungle in the Jungle - Part III: The Fugitive.