Rules of the Radio

I have observed that there is a very specific set of requirements for songs to get on the radio. I’ve attempted to compile these and create a sort of rulebook to determine if a particular song can be heard on the radio. Keep in mind that there are only about 6 stations here that actually play music, so it didn’t take years to compile, only weeks. Warning: this may not make sense unless you’ve spent any amount of time in Africa, in which case it will be painfully obvious to you

Rule 1. To be on the radio, the music must be from Africa.

1.a Music from Africa is strictly defined as all music originating in Mozambique or only reggae from South Africa.

1.b If not African, it must be Portuguese.

1.b All following rules are exception to Rule 1.

Rule 2. If not from Africa, the people must think they are from Africa. Common examples are Bob Marley, R. Kelly, and Usher, who everybody swears are all from “probably from Western Africa, because its easier to get to America from there”.

Rule 3. If people do not think they’re from Africa, they must at least be black. Common example are Akon and Michael Jackson (kind of) and especially that fake duet with Akon and Michael Jackson (see Rule 4).

Rule 4. If the people are not black, they must sound like a girl. Common examples are Justin Beiber and that fake duet with Akon and Michael Jackson.

Rule 5. If not a girl, they must be Canadian. This exception includes Bryan Adams and Justin Beiber (for people who insist he does not satisfy Rule 4).

Rule 6. Celine Dion is acceptable at all times. This rule is somewhat moot as Celine Dion already satifies Rules 4 and 5.

Rule 7. Techno music by default does not satisfy any of the rules, but it does not NOT satisfy any of the rules, and is therefore allowed.

A few comments: Music from Brazil is not awesome samba inspired music, it is sappy romantic covers of Celine Dion. I have no idea why techno is so popular here, but it drives me crazy. Rock is never allowed unless it is the one song by Bryan Adams that is on the radio (“Baby you’re all that I want”).

Michael Jackson was not popular here until he died last year and people were told he was richest most famous person in the world, and now everybody knows about him. R&B is fairly popular, but people think that there are only two singers. They are Usher and R. Kelly. EVERYBODY that sings R&B is either Usher or R. Kelly.

Nothing is censored here. People don’t speak English, so why bother. Hip-hop can be played freely without editing anything down. That being said, hip-hop is only popular if features a woman singing the hook. That woman is usually Rihana. This is for two reasons. First, nobody in America or here likes anything Rihana actually does other than sing the chorus for hip-hopsters/rappers. The second reason is because “we think she’s probably from Senegal or somewhere in Western Africa.