Open Mic Night

Music Monday kicks of with a bang here as we talk about a cultural staple in Nampula: The radio. There are about 6 radio stations here in Nampula. One of them is BBC News Africa, which I try to listen to as much as I can. Several are nationally broadcast stations, and at least two of them are based here in Nampula. There’s also a Christian radio station that plays sermons and other things and a muslim station that only plays those annoying whining Arab music that we’re forbidden from listening to here at the Orphanage.

Anyways, on most nights there’s a radio station here in Nampula that has what amounts to basically an open mic night. I’m not sure which one it is that has the program, but it is for sure not the muslim station. Here’s how it works. The music will be playing and the DJ will just pause it to talk over it and when he’s done talking it comes right back on where it started. It is very annoying for trying to listen to music, but listening to music is not the point of open mic night.

Open mic night starts with the DJ. He uses his powers of control to decides that 20 seconds into the song the intro was important so he’ll reset the track and play it again. He’ll also pause the song simply so he can repeat the lyric. The other night they played “Say you, say me” by Lionel Ritchie and he paused it every line so he could translate. For some reason, having a song play on its own is not enough for people here. They need the DJ to comment on it.

Once the DJ has run out of things to say. That’s when the fun really starts. Somebody will call in with their radio turned way up, and for three seconds there is nasty feedback until they realize this and turn their radio down. Then the airwaves are theirs for literally as long as they have something to talk about. Come to think of it, most of the time its less an open mic night than it is a community CraigsList where people can advertise whatever they want. I’ve heard people asking for car parts, people saying they’re selling car parts, people lost a wallet with money in it, people saying the found a wallet but there wasn’t any money in it, people talking about where to get cheap food. And as always, people are allowed to request songs, as long as its anything by Celine Dion. I heard this request once, and yes, the DJ played Celine Dion. Twice. The same song back-to-back.

Perhaps the best time to listen to the call in portion the night of a national holiday. There is about one every other week here, so you’re never far off from some sure-fire entertainment. Its basically entertaining because everybody that calls is sure to be out of their mind. Not as far out of their mind like Coast to Coast with Art Bell or anything, but drunk.

The best one I’ve heard was this one guy. lets call him Jack. He was calling to talk about his wife. Lets call her Jill. “Good evening, you’re on the air,” said the DJ.

“Hey, I’m wondering if you’ve seen my wife,” asked Jack.

“No I haven’t,” replied the DJ. “What does she look like?”

Jack seemed to ignore the question. “We started drinking this morning and I can’t find her,” he said. “If you see her, let me know.” I’m sure Jack thought the DJ was his neighbor or something.

But the fun didn’t stop there. About a minute later another guy called in. Lets call him Bobby. Based on the tenor of his voice, I’m guessing Bobby started partaking several hours before Jack and never stopped. Bobby said “Hello, is this Jack?”

The DJ, cool as a cucumber replied, “No, this is the DJ. Do you have a message for Jack?”

Bobby said, “Yeah, I found somebody’s wife. I think if might be his.” The DJ asked what her name was and Bobby responded with, “Her name is Suzie.”

Bobby, upon being informed that he had found somebody else’s wife, told the audience where he was and to come find him if you know who this woman is.