In Which Kids Ask If They Can Or Not

As a kid, there were certain things that you asked mom and certain things you asked dad. Not opinions, like, “which tie looks better” (for mom). Not even inquiries, like, “what's for dinner tonight” (for mom). Not even the life-changing advice, like, “How do I put on a jockstrap“ (not for mom). I'm talking about asking for permission.

Granted, many times the questions just got answered, “Ask your father.” But most questions went to mom first. The hope was that, even though it was something out of her jurisdiction, I would get a yes and be cleared of all liability. Sometimes I got lucky with things like, “Hey, can I go catch the midnight showing of The Two Towers?” or “Hey, Tony just got back from the res with tons of illegal fireworks, I'm gonna spend Independence Day with him” or, “Swim team party starts at midnight. I'm sure no hijinks will take place. can I borrow the car?”

Simple matter was, every now and then you got lucky. Even if I got an “ask your father,” most the time dad was pretty agreeable knowing that I was a good kid and had a good head on my shoulders. Still, if we ever double-dipped, there was trouble. For example, ask dad for a pop after dinner. If he says no, go and ask mom. When mom says yes, go and grab that pop. Just be sure dad doesn't see you drink it.

However, when you got found out, you know what was going to happen. Getting denied by dad and then going to mom, or vice-versa, was not an appeals process. It wasn't an objective third-party review. It was wrong, and we always got found out.

What's more, is there were other things that we knew if we talked to mom first and got her to sweeten dad up, we'd be in the clear. For things like needing new shoes, equipment for sports, going to see a movie, a baseball game. The linchpin was not foolproof reasoning, nor was it asking after an especially good meal or after a day of yard work. The trick was getting mom on our side.

I guess here, that makes me mom.

Not all the time, just a lot of the time. I don't like to even think of like I'm the mom and Victor is the dad. I like to think of it more as I'm the high priest and Victor is God. Not because I have to kill a goat every time I talk to him (though it helps), but because most kids here are just plain too nervous to ever asking Victor anything.

Take for example movies. Most Friday nights we'll watch a movie with all the kids. Until about two months ago I didn't have the TV, nor the DVD player, not even the movies. They were in Victor's house. The kids, instead of asking Victor to take the stuff out (or invite us in), ask for me to go ask in their place. I just refuse and have the kids ask him themselves. What did this result in? THREE WEEKS OF NO MOVIES BECAUSE THE KIDS WERE TOO NERVOUS TO ASK FOR ONE!

Other times it will be going to see a parade downtown or going to a soccer game. The question when brought to me isn't even in the form of a question for me to answer, it's for me to go enter in to the holy of holies (Victor's house) and bring the supplications of the people (the kids) before the almighty jehovah (Victor). Usually, things go like this.

Group of kids: Hey TJ. How ya doing?

TJ: Oh, just fine. Thanks for asking.

Kids: We got something to ask you.

TJ: Ask away.

Kids: Can you enter the temple, wash yourself, put incense on the altar and ask god ask Victor if we can have a movie?

TJ: No.

Kids: *blank stares*

Kids: Oh... So there's no movie this week?

TJ: No, I won't ask. He's sitting right there on the porch. Go ask him yourselves.

Kids: *glance at Victor*

Kids: *glance back at me*

Kids: *glance back at Victor*

Kids: *glance back at me*

Kids: That's okay. Bye.

Kids: *return to dormitory*

TJ: *facepalm*

Granted that culturally there tends to be a lot of respect for your elders, bosses, relatives, authorities, many times where the kids have come from that respect is not modeled or returned from older to the younger. Thus what should be respect is actually manifested as fear. The idea that asking me or someone else to advocate on their behalf means that because I would be on more of an “equal footing” with Victor he would respect me and allow the kids to watch a movie.

The sad thing is that every time the kids ask for a movie on the weekend, they get one. They just haven't figured that part out yet.